In once again regaining the clarity to examine my own human condition (I have spoken repeatedly about engaging the services of a professional, but have yet to pull the trigger—full disclosure—I’m stalling, and my “nosce te ipsum” arrogance lets me believe that no one can function as diagnostician to me than myself), I have arrived at the idea that being overly amenable is a bad way to live.

I’ll explain.

We each have social conditioning and longing to belong, and much of what we do is aligned to that end. On its own, seeking to read social cues and find acceptance is reasonable. The problem arrives when we cross the line into people-pleasing behaviors.

Goals, hopes, dreams and the pursuit of happiness is paramount for all of us and, knowing that a level of interdependence is critical to achieve those, we do find ourselves relying on each other for signals that our chosen paths are valid. Some of us find ourselves having felt the particular sting of being on the outside looking in; during formative years, this begins to shape the strategy one takes forward into life.

For myself, having expressed the feeling of being misfit for nearly my entire adolescent life and much of my adult life, there is an element of “survival instinct” tied into this: “do what you want in this world, but under no circumstances should the boat be rocked too hard with anyone.”

The critical flaw can be illustrated when this line of thinking is presented next to one of the most famous quotes from the late Co-Founder/President/CEO of Apple, Inc.:

Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do [emphasis mine].
— Steve Jobs, 1997

Depending on your personal definition of success, Jobs’ words may land differently. I am a man who wants to reasonably maximize his time on Earth, and they hit home—but this ambitious inspiration is crippled by a desire to be seen as “good.”

Humanity exists in shades of grey, from my experience. Fundamentally, we want to all fit some definition of “good,” which differs dramatically from one person to the next. I like to believe myself self-aware enough to recognize that, within the context of self worth, this definition became bound to a broad sense of being thought of as “acceptable.” This informs much of my behavior: every bit of academic writing I ever did was submission quality (even when asked for “rough draft”), acquiescence in personal affairs with the flawed hope that it would lead to the coveted feeling of “being wanted,” a near-complete refusal to negotiate or dispute within a professional setting (instead, I take on the do-it-all attitude, overcommitting until crashing)… and it has left me with an atrophied idea of “standing up for self.”

[An important note: While the social factor of being a minority in nearly every space I’ve occupied is outside the scope of this writing, it absolutely does contribute to the “surviving vs. thriving” conundrum—amenability is a double-edged sword. You may feel compelled (especially in professional settings) to try subsuming your thoughts and feelings, innovative and contrary as they may be, for fear of “not fitting in.” You may also feel that your perspective is important to the success of the collective, despite feeling discomfort and/or ignored upon expressing it. Being a “team player” is so strongly emphasized in American society that the fear of deviation being punished is very real and very difficult to suppress; workplaces may attempt to offer the idea that the space is safe for such deviation but it takes time for that to become the primary culture, and even longer for the minority to feel safe in it.]

The serious problem with this worldview is that I might be in danger of staking my future on someone else’s view of me (which, in my line of work, matters), while sense of self suffers from lack of boundary until you’re faced—repeatedly—with the choice to backlash against some perceived slight or swallow pride yet again. Such is the nature of dependency on external validation: you are subjecting yourself, willingly, to another person who neither asked for nor wants the burden of exerting that much control.

A fix for this, though not necessarily a simple one, is to allow your passion some time in the driver’s seat. I’m a fan of bulldozing one’s own mental blocks, and this is an effective (if risky) way to do it. You’re far less likely to demure if what you’re engaged with resonates with your being. You may stand your ground and refuse to give an inch—which will be noticeable to those around who have experienced little from you beyond deference. The discomfort will remain but, as with all things affected by time, it will diminish.

Developing a healthier relationship with yourself (who am I kidding… myself) is the answer, ultimately. Alignment with who I am, what I believe in, what I need, what I want, how I want to interact with the world around me and the people in it (disclosure: I want people I interact with to feel that they have the right to happiness and success and the competence to pursue both and I desperately need to show that same love to myself) can make a major difference. Upon awakening every day, I can choose to align my action and intent with moving closer to the twin definitions of success and happiness (even if the day is fated to be a tough one, in which case, let it be what it is). Being steadfast in conviction but understanding of the people and systems I interact with daily. That… is the ideal.

I still may want that professional, though—after all, I am smart enough to recognize I have surprisingly few answers for all of life’s problems.